Can You Hear Me Now? Shut The Hell Up!

Every morning, as I catch the Light Rail to work, there’s this woman who arrives to the platform in scrubs.  There’s only one reason someone wears scrubs outside of a medical building – they want you to know they work in a medical building.  Think about it, scrubs get all sorts of materials on them from blood to unmentionable, why would anyone wear them in public?  They wouldn’t, clearly this woman has a cache of clean scrubs in her house that she wears to work.  But I digress.

She arrives to the train platform, phone glued to her ear.  Normally this wouldn’t be even worth mentioning, except for the fact that you can hear her coming, guffawing and basically shouting into her phone like some deaf mute.  Despite her wearing scrubs and talking into her phone as if it were a tin can on some string, she also has what has to be the worst haircut I’ve ever seen.  It’s asymmetrical in front, and tapers into a ducks-ass in the back – it all serves to give her a rather footballish shaped head, which I would be more than happy to punt.  The train silently pulls up and the doors slide open.

We all rush in like cattle to try and get a seat.  With a  “whomp” who do you think lands next to me?  Ms. football-headed-phoneshaped-ear-deafmute.  I turn up my iPod and crack open my book.  If I could live on a street where firetrucks and police cars raced and blared their sirens, then I could live next to this woman for the next 20 minutes.  Some new music I purchased came on….cut in by

“Oh, GURL!  I KNOW!  GURL!  You don’t have to tell me!  GURL!”

Really?  I mean, are you serious?  Does she have turrets or something?  Does she have to blurt out “gurl” every few seconds?  Maybe I could develop it and blurt of bitchwhorebadhair….maybe not.  I turn up my iPod more and try to focus on my new book, Kruchev’s Cold War.  We arrive at the next stop and because we’re on a single train instead of a double, the train is already full of passengers.

“Oh I KNOW!  I can’t believe she DID that.  I told her, I DID! BWA HAHA!”

Oh c’mon now, please, who doesn’t know that it’s against mass transit etiquette to speak loudly on your phone, or to even be on it at all!  I look out the window, we’re just now getting to the other end of downtown, I have at best 10 minutes with her, at worst, 20…who the hell decided the train should stop for stop lights?

I give up on my iPod, any louder and I’ll start going deaf.  I also give up on the book, I just can’t get into it when I have to hear every detail of Charlie Brown Head’s conversation.  I look out the window…then all hell breaks loose.

“Now I TOLD HER, yes I DID!  I TOLD her not to be goin’ out with no married man!  I KNOW I set them up, but I didn’t know!  She know better!  Now she’s all angry with me and…”

“Oh that’s terrible.”

She ignores me.

“I can’t believe she’d do that, and blame you for it!”

Still ignoring me, so I turn to her.  She goes on.

“Well my son, he was askin’ what’s wrong with Auntie Lorane, what’s wrong with Auntie Lorane, it was so cute.”

“Oh yes, that’s just adorable, your son is wondering why your sister is committing adultory.  That’s just SO CUTE!  Have you any pictures of him?  You know, to put a face with a name…GURL.”

That got her attention.

“Hey, can you hold on a minute,”  she says into the phone, “excuse me, but I’m having  a private conversation here.”

Oh that’s rich.

“Really?”  I ask, “Because I could hear every damned word you said, didn’t sound so private to me.  Here’s a tip, don’t talk on your phone in public places unless you want your conversation to be heard.”

“Well, I would think someone would have more manners than to listen to my….”

“One, the manners that are lacking are yours and two, I’d be hard pressed not to listen to your conversation.  I’d be willing to bet most of the people around us could chime in about your sister and the married man you happened to set her up with!”

My stop comes up and I stand up to get by her, she stands as well as an automatic reaction – I know it’s not her stop, so I feel safe continuing.

“If you want a private conversation, then have it in private.  And stop wearing those scrubs on the train, you look like a damned fool…not that your hair hasn’t already contributed greatly to that.  Stupid cow.”

I walk off the train and to my office.  That felt good.

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3 Comments

  1. hello, I would be careful not to upset anyone, afer all- you are not made of iron and can’t ward off bullets or knives or a heavy fisted woman……silencio I say. Write back and let me know that you are safe…..
    safe in Jersey?????

  2. well i really liked it till you called her a fat cow… then I said- HIT HIM HIT HIM in my head… that was uncalled for… especially since you have been taking yoga.
    No fat cows… or physical attributes- stick with the manners. And to be honest I am suprised she didnt hit you. You are what 1/10th her size? Watch out Sisters got it going on and arent afriad of liitle skinny white boys.
    You made me laugh and I needed that.
    Thank you!
    Ah to much downdog for you is making the loud people louder…

    • Hey, hey! I didn’t call her a FAT cow…I’d never call someone fat, that’s just mean. I called her a STUPID cow, in many cultures it’s common to insult someone’s intelligence by calling them a cow.


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